Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
MIDGETS
????
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
