too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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