I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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