New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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