I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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