It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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