omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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