In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
