if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
