Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
