i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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