So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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