First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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