my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
