Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
