You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
