Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
