Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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