yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
