Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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