I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
