you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
