and you said cock pushups were impossible
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
