i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
