Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize