the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
