Soap is not a condiment
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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