i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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