Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
