That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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