She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize