i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
