I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
