Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
