Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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