OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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