I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm bleeding and have questions
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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