ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
