thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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