im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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