You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
