Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
