I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize