I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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