i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
