im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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