My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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