Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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