Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize