My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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