As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
