Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
