Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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