i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
