My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
