I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
